Song Bird

I've always been the runner,  but here I stand
Standing still,  waiting for a bird
to land
Feeling like just a shell that's been tossed away
When I once felt like your most hunted prey
You let go of my hand you once held so tight
I was gripping and fighting with all of my might
When you finally released your tight grip
On me
With strength you pushed me right out
to sea
I begged and I pleaded for you not to let go
Don't worry I've got you how could you not know?
And now I tread water with each passing day
Slowly I'm drowning in this deep sea
of grey
Instead I should be the one that is flying high
The beautiful song bird soaring through
The sky.

-Lola Fontaine 2015

I'll Catch You

     I wake to the sound of the birds echo and nothing but the sounds of nature around us.  Jumping from my bed, I look out onto the lake and see that you're already down at the dock fishing pole in hand. It's early and the water is as smooth as glass until the family ducks slowly make their way across, the tiny wake from their path quickly fades. I've had so many mornings like this, but today I can clearly remember one of my most favorite days with my Dad.  

     You sense that I'm there I can tell that you do because you turn to look at the exact spot of the deck where you know I'll be. You stand and turn "Get your suit and come down quick we need to go before the lake gets busy with the big boats." I jump up and down throw on my suite and swiftly run through the hall, flying down the stairs and quietly pass the room my little brother sleeps. I'm so excited I keep running out the door and let the screen door slam.  I look up out of my dad and see he's shaking his head but there's still a smile. As I'm running across the grass my dad gets in the water; his small leap off the dock making a tiny splash. I keep running without pause running at full speed and I can see him backing up some in the water.  When I get to the dock I call to him,  "I'm coming fast are you sure you'll catch me?"  Laughing, he says,  "Yes pumpkin I'll catch you." I hear the slap of my feet on the wooden deck.   Nearing the very end I leap so far and so high I feel like I'm flying until I see my dad with his arms outstretched; a look of pride on his face. I land into my dads waiting arms just before my head goes under water. I wrap my arms around his neck hug him tight and say,  Thank you for catching me! He squeezes me tight and says,  "I'll always catch you pumpkin." In that moment I was the happiest little girl ever.

     "What are we doing now daddy?" He pointed,  "You see that platform out there?  It's not too far and I'll be right by your side when we swim out to it together." Eyes wide shaking my head, "Daddy no! It's too far. Are you sure?" Reaching for my hands he sets me on the end of the dock and turned to start. "I'll get started you catch me. I bet you can't catch me," and he started his crawl stroke. I am brave and I know my dad will be right by my side, but still I wait just watching him. His long body splashing water when he kicks quickly.  I leap off  the dock and I start to swim out to my father. I know that he's swimming at a slow pace for him so just so that I can catch up, but I still feel joy when I come up beside him, peak up at the platform ahead,  thinking that it's not as far away is it looked from our house. Passing him, I look back at my dad who is just an arms length behind me and I pick up pace.  Hard.  I reach far with every stroke and kick my most powerful kicks until I can see the tiny ladder on the platform sinking into the water.  In a few more strokes I reach the ladder, quickly climb it and jump on the top turning to see my dad just touching the ladder. I laugh with excitement when he reaches the platform and says,  "Wow kiddo, you're getting fast!" I nod my head,  "I know!" In my head I continue the thought ("know that you let me win.") because I didn't want him to know that I knew. I didn't want this fun to end.

     "Now what, Daddy?"  "Now you and I are going to get in this tube and I'm going to paddle us across the lake over to the Martin's house there," pointing. I've seen my dad do this before.  I've always watched from the waters edge, and when he got too far away to see I moved out to the boat dock.  It was my dads peaceful time when he just enjoyed early morning quiet on the lake. A quiet that didn't exist during the peak of summer boating season. My mother always gave him trouble when he wanted to go.  She always thought the channel was too busy or it was too late in the day but dad never listened. I'll never know if he told mom what we were doing on that morning because it was never talked about after that day ever. "Really, you're going to take me with you?"  "Yes! Let's go before it gets too busy." He jumped in reaching up for the tube and pulled himself up on top of it, his legs hanging off as he sat across the opening. I watched with excitement building when he reached for me pulling me off the platform.  He set me across  his lap resting my head on his chest.  "What do I do now daddy?"  "You pumpkin are just going to relax, enjoy the sights and sounds and I'm going to paddle us across." 

     At the time I was too young to understand just what was so peaceful about the lake. To me it was all about the playtime in the sand spending time in the boat fishing off the dock and roasting marshmallows in the fire after dinner.  It was fun and play. Now as I sit out on the deck of the house that was once filled with our large, loud, happy family I listen to hear my dad call from the doc every time. The only sounds I hear are the sounds of the kids laughter from the children in the house just next door and the music from the neighbors on the other side. When we were kids these houses didn't exist. In recent years lots were sold and divided. Now we can see our neighbors and that's okay. It's just different. The sounds of the kids laughing and playing in the yard remind me of my own time playing with my brothers and sisters. It was fun just running around in our bathing suits all day going non-stop in the sun until we collapsed after our bath. 

     As I got older I no longer needed my dad to catch me when I jumped off the dock, but I can't say that having someone to catch me just one more time wouldn't make me feel protected just once again. Just once. To have that feeling of knowing that someone has your back and will catch me if I fall because I will fall and when I do it will be hard.  For now as I sit here alone watching the wake from the boats coming into shore I think about my own lost love and how great a Grandfather he would have been to my daughter my heart breaks because I just couldn't tell him.

Through the years my dad and I had our fair share of troubles and we're estranged in the end. I never did get a chance to tell him because he died too quickly when I was too far away to get home in time to catch him before he fell asleep for the last time.  It's not something that I regret it's just something that makes me sad. I was out living my life, and exploring just like I was raised to do.  I know that he's in heaven and he can see my daughter just as he can see me. I will always cherish our time on the lake and those times will always be my fondest memories of my dad, Despite the sadness in the end at that time I knew without a doubt that my Dad loved me, and that he would always catch me. 

-Lola Fontaine 2015 

Anticipation

Anticipation 6/9/15

Anticipation building. Heart racing.  My skin is buzzing from the rush of adrenaline running through my entire body.  Wetness pooled between my legs. Delicious thoughts of what's yet to come.  Or is it? The note was vague, purposeful in its intent.  He must keep me on edge.  He does, like no other before.  The high of the release when I'm finally set free is worth the wait. My mind filled with dreams of memories from the last time.

The slap of his hand on my skin, the bite of his teeth on my nipples, the soft kiss of his lips on my mouth, my neck, my entire body.  The scratches from his facial hair when His mouth comes to my pussy intensifies the build up.  The groans from my mouth when he slips 2 fingers into my dripping pussy while he works his magic with masterful skill on my clit.  My back arches, he reaches deeper into my body, licks my clit and stops! I'm taken down slowly, whispering, "please" I beg.  He licks once again, this time his gaze is upon me, freezing me to that moment.  The moment when his dark eyes grow serious, darker, and the sexiest smile forms on his lips, utterly binds me to him.  I am his, and he knows it, but I know what's coming next.  "Who do you belong to babygirl?" Once again, the buzzing in my skin is at an all time high when I reply, "You, Daddy, I belong to you." I watch his eyes gleam with pride.  He licks and nibbles at my clit before responding with the one phrase that will bring a fire surging through my entire body from the incredible rush it brings. "That's right babygirl ... you belong to me ... Mine"

I jump from sleep, the memory so real, feeling the rush of pride from my dream.  I look around the room.  It's dark.  It's too early, but I know.  He's coming.  I can feel it.  He's near.  The house is not quiet. There's soft music coming from somewhere downstairs.  I want to run to him. I must do what I'm told. I must follow the instructions from the note: "Wait for me.  In bed. I will come to you." Waiting is so hard.   I let out the breath I've been holding, trying to relax.  Deep breath. Slowly letting it out.  My pulse is beating a thundering beat in my chest.  This isn't how he wants me.  I need to relax. I rest my head on the pillow once more.  I close my eyes.  I breathe slow and deep.  Slowly I feel my heartbeat move to an even beat.  The same beat of his footsteps on the wood floor.  He's coming.  The anticipation is building.  Still, I am calm and ready.  Mentally prepared for what's to come. The door  slowly pops open.  The footsteps continue.  A pause.  He removes his shoes.  I now hear the footsteps of his bare feet approaching me slowly.  He stops.  I feel the electricity between us. He's roaming his eyes over my body.  I can feel his stare.  His whispered voice so close tickles my neck, "You've been a good girl, Princess."  I smile so boldly I'm sure my body moves.  His feather like kiss on my ear, sends goosebumps through my already sensitive body.  

In a move so swift I don't feel it coming, he scoops me from the bed.  

In a commanding voice, he says, "Let's Begin"

-Lola Fontaine 2015

The Dance

The electricity between them was a raging current. She sat alone in the quiet room waiting for him to enter again.  As soon as He did, she could feel him.  When she looked over to where He stood, His eyes were watching her,  and He was smiling.  Instant joy filled her heart because He was happy.  His happiness could be seen and felt from across the room.  Her eyes met His and she was smiling too. 

"Come" He called out to her as He reached out His hand.  Without hesitation she stood, reached for His hand as she walked towards Him.  As soon as He could reach her, He gently gathered her into His arms.  She felt instant warmth when He pulled her close and kissed her forehead; fire when He lifted her chin to kiss her lips. When a sigh escaped her lips, He started to move.

He began to lead them into a beautiful slow dance. She looked up to His deep dark eyes, melting a little more with each look, before resting her head on His chest.  When she could feel His heart beat,  she made the connection.  She had a look of wonder in her eyes when she whispered, "We're dancing to the sound of your own happiness. Do you know how powerful that is?" Her eyes never left His, when he replied,  "Happy is good and we are."  

In this dance the two lovers danced it didn't matter that when he spun her, she spun the wrong way.  He just took her hand and spun her in the right direction the next time.  It seemed that he would once again, guide her down the correct path. To her, it was clear that even in the littlest ways this man would keep this woman safe and loved.  Quite simply he would keep...her.

-Lola Fontaine 2015

Magic

Your scent on my skin 

Is no longer there

Gone is the feeling when

You tugged on my hair.

The once red glow

Has faded to pink

So is the warmth 

I felt from the sting.

I miss you, you said

I need you once more

I will make that ass red

The next time for sure.

Together we'll create

The magic of art

The connection we have

Cannot be torn apart.

The depths that we go

Are always so new

Overwhelming with feeling

The intensity builds too.

Our emotional connection 

Will always be there

Marked by the collar

That I'm so proud to wear.

          -Lola Fontaine 2015

His Gift

Darkness

Lover Take Hold

Have you ever felt vulnerable
and exposed but at the same time felt so deeply connected, protected?

Has the feeling of your lover's touch ever made you feel so alive that you felt the buzz in your toes?
 
When he looked at you with wonder in his eyes and called you his treasure did it make you feel safe and warm?

When he cradled you in his arms and pulled your hair so you'd look at him too, did you feel like he could see you to your core?

When he reached for your hand and smiled down at you,  did it make you feel like you were the only two people in the crowded room?

Has your need to give yourself to him been so overwhelming when just kissing him,  that you climbed right into his lap in a city park?

Have you ever felt so free and powerful,  sexy and wanted,  euphoric and blissful,  when he looked at you and said mine?

When you finally saw just what he saw when he looked at you did it fill your heart with joy,  your mind at ease? Did you feel the relief when your lover took hold and grabbed your soul?

-Lola Fontaine 2015

Behind The Badge

I've always been attracted to older men, so when the cop that was charged with the detail of watching over us approached me I was all over it.  We had one incident at the coffee shop where I worked and Mr. Grigas got over protective. He was a good friend of the police department, so they didn't mind working extra details for him to make sure his girls were safe at night.

Mark was his name. He was tall, dark, handsome, and his very presence exuded strength and dominance.  He sure did watch over us, me in particular a little too closely.  He didn't like the fact that we had to walk through the alley at night to get home.  I didn't mind it.  I loved the dark.  It was always where I felt most comfortable.    He began to meet me after work to walk me home, and was always really respectful.  I wondered why he never kissed me even though I could tell the minute he wanted to.  He always seems to pause and change the subject just when I thought he might finally do it.  It was sweet really.

One particular spring day, he took my hand in his while we walked.  I was too shocked to say a word, too excited by his touch.  It was instant warmth.  The whole gesture was pretty casual and to others would seemingly go unnoticed.  To me it was everything.

It was on that day where Mark paused just before my front door, looked into my eyes and with such gentle force crushed me against the brownstone where I lived, let out a low growl, and kissed me so deeply I couldn't breathe.  I lost all sense of where I was and his kiss left me so weak in the knees I could barely stand. That's when Mark lifted me up, wrapped my legs around his waist and carried me to my front door.  He never let me go as he opened the door, climbed the stairs, and got me into the apartment.  Once inside he pressed me into the door, my legs still wrapped around his body and turned my world over on its back.

I reached for his neck so that I could grasp his thick dark hair and pull him closer to me.  As close as he was, I needed him closer.  He shocked me, when he grabbed my hands from around his neck and with a quick force he pinned my arms over my head and held my wrists in his one hand.  The intensity of that one action had my skin on fire from the heat that formed in my core.  He pulled back, pausing to breath, and he stole my own breath.  I was an instant puddle, I wanted him so badly. His dark eyes grew darker, and he formed a sly grin just before gently kissing my lips.  A complete contrast to the intensity on the street and my current position pinned to the wall by his large frame and strong hand.  He kissed along my jaw, to my ear, then buried his face into the hollow of my collar bone.  I couldn't stop that long moan that escaped me when he did that.  This brought out his own groan as well.  Slowly he  licked up the side of my neck until he could gently tug on my earlobe with his teeth.  I gasped once more when he whispered in my ear, "I've been dying to fuck you for so long. Make no mistake about it, today we will Fuck, and then you will be mine."  Those words were my undoing. I wanted this man and I was going to have him.  Just like he said.

That one kiss that turned into the an intense evening of sex changed me.  I turned into someone I never thought I could be given my history. That was the day I began my affair with a married man.  

                                     --Lola Fontaine 2014

You and I

You saw me
I couldn't look away
You intrigued me
But did I want to play?

You waited patiently
I acted shy
You saw right through that
I asked you why?

You called me yummy
I thought you were funny
You said delicious
I thought who is this?

Like an animal
you caught my scent
I tried to run
And away we went.

You hunted slyly
longing to devour me.
I hoped to be caught
But I wasn't aware

You had plans for me
I couldn't see

You changed my world
Like I knew you would

You sucked me in
I knew my role
You found your girl
I found my Man

You said I was yours
I gave you my heart
You took my soul
I now feel whole.

-Lola Fontaine 2015

More

Your last words were "we'll talk tomorrow morning babygirl.  Sleep well my love."

I felt your kiss on my lips long after you pulled yourself away from the grip I held on your hand.  Silently I begged for you not to go.   My words screaming, pleading and my own cries a roaring sound in my head. 

The words you could not hear but you saw the tears when you wiped them away gently with your kiss.  The touch of your kiss on my skin made my heart soar, but the joy your kiss brings didn't stop the tears from coming.  Your own tears mingled with mine when you held me so tight.  I still feel your breath on my face, when you whispered, "I miss you already."  My strength waining I crumbled in your arms.  I don't want to let you go. We're not through.  Our book is not finished.  It's only the beginning I cried.  Every fear exposed.  My heart on my sleeve.  

Just once I wish I said I'd go with you.  I was too afraid to take that leap.  To take the happiness that was just out of reach.  Your reason for going was my reason for staying behind. I feared this moment for so long. I knew we had an end date, but I told myself that I could be your lover and not fall in love. I see now that it was a foolish notion. I fell in love with you and I fell in love hard.  Now I'm left cold, broken and aching from inside out.  My heart beats for you slowly, painfully, the deafening sound a reminder of the loss I must find a way to heal from.   You said you'd protect me, keep me safe and warm, but still you left.  Still I wait for the tomorrow that never comes.  

The whispered promises already fading, the hole slowly mending.  Our love grew, our mistakes plenty.  The light returns in the dark eyes of a little girl.  The emptiness is filled with her laughter, but the sadness remains deep in my core.  If only I told you that I wanted more.  We'd share this joy instead of this pain.  I know that one day we will meet again.   

-Lola Fontaine 2015

Mine

The memories of your lips on mine

Your kisses on my neck

How I just longed for you to devour me

but you said,  not yet,  just wait

You looked at me in so many ways

I was captivated by your eyes.

You looked at me with wonder

when you whispered "Good God you're   beautiful.

Then your look turned serious

the dominance in your eyes

The whispers turned intense 

all the ways you'd devour me 

when we finally fuck.

You gripped my hair and held me there

until I met your gaze

I ached to kiss you and I tried

you pulled my hair so tight

When you slowly kissed my lips

The fire inside me swelled, 

You looked right then into my eyes

And then you whispered "Mine"

I knew I could not escape 

the way you made me feel

Even though what we had 

was something kind of new

I melted straight into your arms

Your grip on my hair released

I whispered back,  "Yes Yours"

Oh my, You loooked so pleased 

Now we begin this journey

and I'm not sure where we'll go

I trust you'll keep my heart safe 

Just as you've always done

-Lola Fontaine 2015

The Sound of Your Voice

I'm pulled from sleep by the sound of your voice.  In sleep I feel you, your body pressed against mine,  arms wrapped around me,  your warmth soaking into my skin. I feel the steady rhythm of your breathing in my ear.  The sound a comfort.  It's when I start to reach for your hand to hold it in mine to feel not your warmth, but your touch, that I hear your voice in my ear.
"Good morning princess,"you whisper.  Those words seep into my soul,  and fill my heart with an ache I can't release. "Good morning" is whispered in a sigh,  that brings tears to my eyes.  I know it's not real, this feeling I have each and every morning. I still talk back,  because when I talk back I continue to hear the voice that's slowly disappearing from my memory.  I'm afraid if I don't talk back that voice will fade away completely.

I'm not ready to let go,  so I close my eyes a little tighter to focus on those words that will come next.  "You should be sleeping babygirl."  The tears freely flowing from the pain in my heart are pooling on my pillow.  "Yes, Sir, I know, but I wanted to talk to you. I miss you so terribly the pain is uncontrollable." The silent tears turn to sobs, the moaning that escapes me fills the room, is a moan of deep despair and not of pleasure like it once was.

I don't hear the sound of your voice anymore. I just hear your whispered hush,  trying to stop the crying and calm me.  Please find a way.  I miss your warmth every day. You left so suddenly. The ache I felt when I last said goodbye is nothing compared to this right now.  I wish I knew then, it would be the last time. I would have told you that I loved you, so you knew in your heart before you would leave me.  Instead I'm filled with all kinds of doubt. Did my love for you show, could you see it in my eyes?  Did you know?

"Yes,  I know" were the words I heard next.   I woke with a gasp and rolled over in bed.  You were not there.  The words were just in my head. The sound of your voice is what I long to hear. The look in your eyes and the smile on your face I beg to see just once more before I go back to sleep.  "Please,"  I whisper, when my tears start to fade.  "Soon,  baby, soon,"is what I hear once again.
Is it all a dream, the sound of your voice?  Or will you come back when I've finally let you go?

-Lola Fontaine 2015

Not Today

Standing at the mirror I go through the motions of blow drying my hair styling it in the way that you love.  When I'm finished I take a look, smiling, knowing you will be pleased, inside my head I hear not today babygirl. 

Applying my makeup I instinctively reach for the black eyeliner, knowing that you always loved the way the black highlighted my dark eyes, but I put it down choosing the brown instead. I apply my makeup like I always do, still in my head I hear not today babygirl.

Wrapped in my towel, standing at my dresser, I open the drawers looking down at your favorite bra and panties I sigh. I grab the hot pink set instead, a set that you never choose because you prefer me in only black or red, still in my head I hear not today babygirl.   

Like a robot I go through the motions of putting on my bra and panties, over and over in my head all I hear is not today babygirl. 

I open the closet and walk inside and immediately I look to my favorite dress, the one you love the one you asked me to wear, I sigh not today babygirl.

I walk past it and decide to choose a pair of skinny jeans and an oversized sweater instead, once again an outfit you would never choose for me.  In my head I hear not today babygirl.

I choose the boots that are comfortable, and not sexy at all.  I smile, half heartedly, remembering you telling me I looked adorable, not like the vixen you saw in me.  Not today babygirl.

I promised to be the good girl you wanted me to be and I became the Sex Goddess you saw in me.  I gave you my submission and trusted you fully.  I sigh at the thought, and hear in my head not today babygirl. 

Today I made my own decisions without a second thought.  Not wanting to make you happy because my heart is so broken, because your words are stuck in my head, once again, not today babygirl.

I thought that you'd call when I didn't get your text.  The one that you'd send to make sure I was dressed like you wanted me to be, so today I dressed for me.  

Instead of feeling strong and defiant, I feel lost an alone. Today's not the day, that you make me yours, today's not the day that I've been waiting for.  Today's not the day I let myself go.  If not today babygirl, then when?

-Lola Fontaine 2015

Urban Decay

It was a cold grey day when I found myself getting off the train and making the long walk to my old neighborhood. It was bitter cold with the look and smell of pending snow that only added to the feeling of dread inside me.  The coldness outside reflecting the coldness i had in my heart for this place. I needed to get this deal done and get out fast.  Although I called it my home for far too long, I had some nice memories growing up, but it took so much from me that just being back here makes me sick to my stomach. After all this time the whole neighborhood looks the same. Apartment windows that are dirty and in many cases broken with the same dingy bricks covered in graffiti. 

As much disgust I have for this place It's because of  my connection here that I found the one person that sees the real me.  I remember the day he walked into the pub and caught my attention.  Immediately I knew that I wanted him.  I could feel him watching me from across the bar.  I was determined to stop hiding, take action and go after what I want, so I turned to meet his gaze. I saw a man watching me, with an amuzed quizical look on his face.  It was out of defiance that I brought my eyes to his when I saw his expression.  When our eyes met, his look quickly changed.  I was frozen in my spot, his eyes darkened, and a small smile formed.  At the time I wasn't prepared for what I felt, but it was just so overwhelming that I had to force myself to look away.  I felt like he could see inside my soul.  I held onto the bar and closed my eyes, just  to catch my breath and figure out what was happening.  I took a deep breath and felt him close behind me, his breath, on my ear as he whispered, "There's no need to be nervous, I see you.  I know what you are, and I've got you love."  He then wrapped his arms around me from behind, and I felt a safety and warmth like never before.  I let out a sigh, and he whispered again, "relax love, I've got you."  In that moment, I knew I was his.  Growing up we never gave each other a second glance.  He did his thing and I did mine.  We traveled in the same circles though.  All I could think that is was all the history we had is what brought us to right that second. I was prepared for it somehow, and completely ready to be taken care of by this man.  I can't explain it but the second he met my eyes he knew, and when I looked away with this overwhelming sensation coursing through my whole body I knew I was his.   

He took care of me like a dream.  We got out, because it was the best way for us to be happy and for me to truly be free to be me.  Although I told him everything, I couldn't  tell him the one thing that eats away at my soul.  Someone I feared that he wouldn't understand and he'd let me go.  I couldn't be without this man, so I kept the secret of my dealings with the Gonzalez brothers.  It didn't matter because we were free of this place.  Or at least I thought we were free.  I wasn't thinking that one day, they'd show up on our door step and reveal my secret.  All of my fears came true.  The man I gave myself to, whole body and soul, I trusted him in a way that allowed me to be free and at peace for the first time in so long.  That feeling could have been stronger if only I allowed him to know my secret.  We could have been stronger, but I didn't give us that chance.  I wish I had.  In the end, all of that doesn't matter now though.  I'm here in this hell hole once again, and instead of being here with him, I'm here fighting for him, because even he is gone now too. This whole place destroys everything that's good, no matter how hard we fight it.   Well this time, I'm going to fight, because I cannot let my mistake hurt the one I love.  Once I've completed this drug deal, I'm going to kill the men that took my Master from me, then I'm going to go to him, completely free of my guilt because I destroyed those that tried to destroy me.  I can only hope that when I give my full submission to Him that he accepts it for what it is. For it is my gift and my passion to be his, truly his, free of this anger inside me for this place, and these people that destroyed my life.  

-Lola Fontaine  2015

The Rose Left Behind

I've been spending days sitting on the window bench you made me, waiting, for what I don't know.  This morning I actually got out of bed, showered, and made coffee before I took my familiar seat.  Today is different somehow.  All the days I've spent here before were spent staring blankly out the window.  Today I hug my mug a little more closely and the tears continue to fall.  Today I feel them.  Today my tears make me angry because I've cried for you long enough don't you think?  It's not like you didn't warn me.  When you told me you were damaged, I didn't run.  I did just the opposite.  I blindly walked into the darkness with you, despite my own darkness that was constantly lurking, creating shadows over the life I tried to live.  I escaped the bad stuff and started fresh.  This darkness wasn't supposed to follow me, but in a sick way I'm glad it did.  It led me to you.  I look at the darkness differently than you did; I embraced it because there was beauty in that darkness. Your soul was all I could see when we were together.  I saw inside your beautiful heart and I knew how much you loved me, even when you weren't saying it out loud.  I heard the whispers in the night, because you were too afraid to tell me in the light of day. Those whispers soothed me because I knew you were revealing a piece of yourself that scared you, but you trusted me with that fear.  I heard those same whispers, when you walked away. The whispers you saved for me in the early hours of the morning; the whispers of love, and fear, and hope.  The whispers in the dark were words I cherished the most, until the day you left.  Those whispers were Goodbye.  I chose to ignore those because I thought to myself there is no way that he's going to let me go.  Why? It didn't make sense to me then and it certainly doesn't make sense to me now.   

We had our relationship and it worked for us.  I did my thing, you did yours and we worked.  I never put demands on your time and was available when you would stroll into town.  I was shocked when you begged me to move in with you. You promised that you were taking more jobs locally and you'd be here in town with me.  In a moment of weakness I caved and I allowed you to move me to this apartment in a neighborhood that I have no business living in, and you built a home with me.  We did that together. You let me hang crazy as shit art in every room of this place.  We made love on every surface imaginable and even some I never knew we could.  I have a good memory in every room in this place, but here I sit looking out the window, waiting, for you, like I did for so many years because you continued to take those jobs that took you away from me.  I can remember when I came home after a long day to find you already home.  There you were smiling at me, with a rose in your hand, waiting on this window seat that you built for me because I loved the view of the public garden.  That pisses me off so much! This wonderful memory is now ruined because I'm trapped in this spot and can't get out.

It's been months and I can't bring myself to leave this place, but for some reason I don't have to.  I've been informed that the rent is paid up for the year.  So it looks like you want me here for some reason. Was moving me in here some sick perverted way for you to keep me, to be assured that I would be waiting for you once again?  I've spent so many years doing that already.  Now this is our home and I'm stuck.  I'm bound here by all the happy memories that we shared.  Worse still is that I'm not living.  I'm living a life where I go through the motions, and have no real excitement for it.  Every day when I walk back into the apartment, I walk to that bench, looking for the single rose you would leave resting on the seat when you came home from your business trips.  Each time I look and there isn't one there I sink further into the depression that's swallowing me up.  My light is gone from my life and I can't do it on my own.  I need the light, but I've allowed your darkness to swallow me and utterly destroy me.  Now when you hurt me beyond repair, now is the time that I can't bring myself to leave. No. That's not me.  It's today that this ends.  I've had enough of living in darkness waiting for you to return to me.  As I look out over the Public Garden I take one long deep breath, wipe the tears from my eyes with the sleeve of your shirt that I can't bring myself to take off, and rest one final rose on the pillow.

-Lola Fontaine 2015

A Reason To Feel Beautiful

The morning sun shines through the window warming my body, and pulling me from sleep. When I open them I'm drawn to the light. The day looks bright and while it's probably cold, being February, I find myself eager to get out of bed and be outside. 
I look over and find my husband is already up.  I remove the blankets,  and stretch my legs on top of the covers.  Revealing my pale strong legs,  with too full thighs, reminding myself that I should have been up earlier and at the gym. I allow my eyes to roam my body, pink satin boy shorts and a black camisole, covering womanly hips, an imperfect stomach and full breasts.  I have high self esteem in general which is an important quality for any woman and something I try to instill in my daughter. That confidence and self esteem is there loud and proud when I have clothes on, however, when I'm naked or near naked it's a totally different story.

While laying in bed I find myself getting sucked into my over critical mind, and my husband walks back into our bedroom.  I look over at him and he's smiling,  but it's not just a happy to see you smile,  it's an I find you incredibly sexy and I'm going to ravage you smile. His copper brown eyes become dark and lust filled when he walks towards me.
When he's near me,  I try to pull my legs up, and before I know it he's got my ankles and he's pulling my ankles back down again.  He slides his hands up my legs to the same hips that I was judging earlier, and whispers, "God, I love the contrast of these pink panties against your white skin" as he kisses those hips.   I smile a little when he takes those panties off my body and looks back up to me.  His look, so intense, and it totally makes me wet. He stalks up my body once more lifting my camisole off my body as he's kissing my belly on his way to my breasts that I know he loves so so much. 

Taking my nipple into his mouth he kisses and tugs on it sending pleasure through my entire body.  When he releases my nipple he grabs both of my breasts, squeezing them, and whispers, "so beautiful", before focusing his attention on my other nipple.  I know this man loves me and it feels amazing.  I lose myself in his touch, while he worships this imperfectly perfect body of mine.  There isn't a doubt in my mind the he finds me incredibly sexy, and I can feel the effect I have on him presently near my entrance.  I spread my legs wide, inviting him inside me. I know when he's felt my wet heat because he makes immediate eye contact with me.  I'm frozen looking into his gaze, because this man is looking at me like I hung the moon.  I'm so filled with love for this man. I smile at him and reach up to kiss him.  His kiss is deeply passionate and when he pulls away, he whispers, "Good Morning, Angel.  You look so beautiful when you just wake up."  With those final words, he thrusts deep inside me with one quick motion, taking my breath away.  And while my husband made love to me in the morning light of a new day, my strength and my self confidence in my own beautiful body was restored.

-Lola Fontaine 2015

My Lover's Touch

I'm in this bed
Alone again
While visions of you
Dance in my head. 

Of how you would
Hold me tight
And keep me safe
All through the night

You woke me sweetly
Every morning
Placing kisses
On me gently

Your touch so light
My skin on fire
It feels so right
So filled with desire

Your pace is set
Your kisses plenty
You find me wet
Right through my panties

But now alone
I touch myself
It feels so good
Yet Not quite like it should

My lovers touch
Is just a memory
I'm longing for you
So very much

I get lost in the Sensation
With each minastratoin
Oh yes that's right
I think i might

Get off to thoughts
Of just your touch
And how you'd take me
Just a little bit rough

I'm so very wet
But i won't cum yet
Right there that's right
Oh yes I'm ready

Come watch me baby
This is all for you
I know you'll get off
Cum with me too.

-Lola Fontaine 2015

Your Light

When you left I never saw it coming.  I can still remember the last time I was with you. It was like any other day. I woke up to the feeling of your gentle touch on my cheek, my whispered name and your kisses on my neck.  We made love in the early hours of the morning, only this time it was slow and easy. It was still dark, I remember. So many mornings we'd be in each others arms, sweaty from sex and coming down from the intense orgasms we shared, as the morning sunlight would pour in through the window.  That day,  there was no sunlight. That day, you were saying goodbye and I never had a clue. 

I often wonder if I'll ever see the sunlight again.  I suffer every day.  I no longer wake up to your touch, your kiss,  your voice.  I wake up alone, soaked in sweat not from lovemaking but from the terror of my own nightmare repeating itself. Every. Day.  Your scent is gone from our bed.  I know this because I've searched endlessly when it started to fade.  The pain of losing that scent I grew dependent on crushed my soul. I need the feel of your arms around my body to feel warm.  I need your scent and the sound of your breathing so I don't feel so desperately alone.  It's all gone. 

The sunlight faded from the window when you left me, taking my light and my warmth.  Every sound in this house reminds me that it's empty because your energy and laughter no longer fill the rooms.  The only whispered voice I hear is my own calling your name in my dreams.  I barely sleep anymore.  I can't stand the pain of losing you over and over in my dreams; my nightmares really. I held your hand as you said goodbye.  How did you know it would be the last?  Why didn't you tell me? I would give anything to just sleep and live in my happiest of dreams with you. 

I seek out the light,  I honestly do.  I don't want to live my life with this heartache and misery. God I don't want to live like this! Today, the pain is so unbearable, the crushing ache in my heart cripples me.  Today is different because today the the light finds me.  It's coming through the window and it's so incredible bright.  The warmth soothes my aching heart so it feels as though I'm in your arms.  I revel in the feel of the light on my skin, seeping into my soul.  It's when the glow is starting to fade that I feel my ache return and like an animal I hunt for it,  crawling along the floor to feel the pleasure of it once again.  When I find it, there is peace. I breath a sigh of relief and I hear your voice whispering my name.  Tears start to fall,  "please don't leave me," I beg. My sobs drown out the sound of your voice if it ever was really there to begin with.  I'm filled with your warmth, but still I can't stop crying for you. The pain is too much, take my pain away.  Please release me of this pain.  I reach for your hand and I plead for your light. Over and over again I plead for just one more touch, taste, word, but just like on the day you left your hand slips from my grasp. I'm left alone to ache for you in darkness, while your light shines for someone else.

-Lola Fontaine 2015

Let Go

You and I
we do this dance
Each of us not willing
To take a chance

Apart we decided
Was the best
Decision to make
Each not knowing
How our hearts
would break

So we go on our way
Living without each other
Walking the same path
Every day

Together we stand
in a crowded room
We clearly see
But we look straight through
As we pass

Trying to pretend
That we don't miss each other
And we're not mourning
the loss of a friend

So I take a chance
And I try to see
What it was you saw
when you looked at me

Perhaps naive
I want to see you
And no matter
how hard I tried
I could not meet your eye

So I took a breath
and held my head high
And from across the room
I whispered,  Good bye

-Lola Fontaine 2015

Dream Home - a Michael Sinclair Lola Fontaine Collaboration

Alone with my thoughts
In darkness at night
Sleep sweetly
Come meet me
Where there is no light

Feel the heat
I am on fire
Here I’m waiting
Full of desire

Just one touch
Is all I need
You and I
Will do the deed

Feel you penetrate
My very being
In the darkness
Without seeing

With one touch
I give submission
Capturing you
Completes my mission

I give completely
Bound to you
Goosebumps
Soaking panties through

My whispered name
I plead for more
Fill my ache
And make me sore

Welcome home
Feel how I’m  wet
Stroke you gently
Harder you get

My arching back
My legs apart
Begging you
To own my heart

I feel you coming
No longer alone
When you’re inside me
Coming home

Welcome home
My Love
My Lover
Reunited
Beneath the cover

January 16, 2015

- Michael Sinclair and Lola Fontaine

Letter To My Sleeping Lover

The sun is peaking through the tiny opening in the dark curtain.  I'm pulled from my sleep by the urge to be close to you.  I feel your warmth, but this morning it's not from your arms around me.  I'm never awake before you it seems and so many times I wake with you staring into my eyes when I open them.  The look on your face is a look of wonder, and when I open my eyes to your waiting gaze, a smile slowly forms on your lips, goes up your cheeks and straight to your steely blue  eyes.  The warmth I feel from your smile is just as intense as the warmth I feel from your arms around me.  I will never grow tired of your smile.  This morning, I want to be YOUR waking smile.

I know you're asleep, I can feel it in my heart.  I just wish we weren't apart.  Closing my eyes I face your side of our bed and I imagine you hugging your pillow, something you do when you aren't wrapped around me.  Your face is relaxed in sleep and I swear there already is a tiny smile on your face.  I move towards you and snuggle close.  Ahhh, that's better.  Already I feel more complete.  God it's so hard not to reach out to touch you.  I can't control myself no matter how hard I try though.  You know this about me and I think that you love my inability to refrain from touching you.  I reach out to touch the side of your face, and then kiss your shoulder, but still you sleep.

I wait, and I watch my lover, seeing the tiny rise and fall of your shoulders, listening to your smooth even breathing.  I reach out to touch you again, this time running my finger from your forehead to the tip of your nose, then tracing your lips. When I pull back I see you start to move,  yes, this is it, he's finally waking up, but still you sleep.  So, I wait, and I watch, and when your hand reaches for mine in your sleep, I lace my fingers with yours and start drifting back towards a dreamland with you. 

I'm not sure how long I sleep, but this time when I wake I feel heat.  A good heat, that I completely adore because I know it's coming from your touch.  I feel you moving my hair off the side of my face and sweeping it behind my back.  It's the soft touch of your finger tips on the side of my neck that wake me from sleep.  This is real!  I open my eyes, and right there waiting for me is that steely blue gaze filled with warmth and desire.  "You've come home," I whisper and then you kiss my nose, and whisper back, "how could I not?"

Lola Fontaine 2015

Letter To A Lost Lover

When I told you that I will gladly take the pain of letting you go right now, over the excruciating pain of hurting you later. I meant it.  When I closed my eyes and allowed my mind to rule over my heart for the briefest amount of time, I saw the potential damage my loving you could do.  I couldn't bare to live with that pain, so I said those words to show you that I was strong.  That I could be strong for the both of us. 
I was wrong. You were the strong one, you were the one that made everything okay, you were the one who calmed my fears, helped me to believe in myself.  I am not strong at all.  I am weak because when the reality of letting you go sinks in, it's a pain that brings me to my knees.  I don't know how to go back in time and change the path that brought us here,  but I want to, because I want what we had before it got all clouded up.  I had no idea it would hurt me so deeply.  I want to fix the crack in my armor that allowed you into my heart in the first place.  Then maybe I wouldn't be here, now, crying on the floor of my bathroom with the shower running to drown out the sound. 

I love passionately and there's a loyalty in me like no other.  I will show you my strength by never letting you see me cry. Even when the pain is at its worst I will find the little strength I have to be brave, for you.  I will always sing your praises and let the world know how truly great you are, because I believe it in my heart. I will forever be.
~Yours

-Lola Fontaine 2015

Strength

I put up these walls around my heart.  They are strong and thick.  They protect me.  At least I think they do, yet I live in fear that these walls will be quick to crumble.  I use my whit and my sass as a defense mechanism that guard those walls from crumbling, but sometimes I swear all it really does is draw a bullseye on them. 

We all want to feel the good feelings that come with being in love.  The joy I feel when I see you walk into the room, the warmth I feel in my heart when I hear your voice on the phone, the thrill that I get from your sensual touch.  Those are just a few of the ways you took my defenses and crushed them. 

It was when I first saw your piercing gaze that I felt the first bricks start to fall.  It was then that I realized the walls we put up to protect us are so easily crumbled when we find someone that touches us so deeply.  You see me.  You see the parts I want to hide, and I know that you see my fear. 

You're strong and I can see that in your confident ways.   I hear you.  It's your motivating supportive words that lift me up and help me to believe in my own strength.  I feel you.  It's your strength that grounds me when you walk up behind me and wrap me in your ams. 

Words cannot describe the feeling I get from your breath on my neck and your soft kisses to my cheek.  You don't see my fear as a weakness because you see inside my heart.  How?  Why?  Weren't my walls thick enough?  I thought so, but yet you stepped into my life and so easily put a hole through those walls with your tender words and your tender touch. 

Do you see my strength too?
-Lola Fontaine 2015

Morning Embrace

Wrapped in your Arms is where I feel safe and I feel cherished.  The warmth of your arms around me cannot be replaced by any other heat source because it is your love that surrounds me, fills me, and ultimately grounds me.

Lying on your chest I can hear the beating of your heart the clearest, the slow steady rhythm that I hear lulls me to sleep, wrapped in your embrace, the softest blanket a girl could have.
In the night we move in our sleep, you're never far from me, I can feel your heat.  Like a moth to a flame I'm drawn to you for comfort, for strength, for the sound of your beating heart.  I crawl back to you,  You feel me too, you hold me close and your touch fills me with heat.

I know when you start to wake, I feel you reach for me, searching my body with your soft touch, and pull me closer still.  Your press me into your chest, your arm across my waist, wrapping your legs over mine and I can feel your breath on my neck.  It tickles, but it's the sigh that I hear that makes me smile, because I know that you found your strength too. 

When the light from the sunrise begins to seep into our window, I feel the warmth on my body from outside our cocoon, but it is nothing compared to the touch of your finger tips stroking the side of my face.  I know that you're watching me sleep, I can feel your eyes on me.  I don't want to move from this cave, this warmth, so I sigh, and whisper, "Good Morning my love."
--Lola Fontaine  2015

The Crash

I'm in my jeep driving down a long winding country road, lost in my thoughts, my music grounding me inside my head. The thoughts are jumbled, my breathing is becoming erratic.  What happened? How did I get here I wonder? 

Following this road full of snow covered fields is beautiful,  peaceful somehow but still the tears fall down my face.  "Calm down,  Lo, think.  What happened?"  Nothing. I draw a blank.  A familiar song plays on the radio, one that I've listened to millions of times.  It reminds me that I've been on this path before. Do I keep going,  is it safe?

Something inside me tells me to continue on and I keep driving. I'm trying to focus but I can barely see through the tears now.  When I wipe them away with the back of my hand, I see a car stop ahead.  I begin to slow,  downshifting to help hold myself back, I come to a stop. I look in the rear view mirror and see a car approaching. Fast.  Too fast.  He isn't slowing down,  he isn't afraid. I'm terrified. My heart is leaping out of my chest.  The car in front of me begins to move,  I follow. 

Looking once more, I see him,  just before he crashes into me.  I'm pushed forward from the impact of the crash. Too far forward. What happened to my seat belt? Oh, shit.  I didn't protect myself.  Before Ican stop it my body is heading straight through the glass. In slow motion.  I'm outside my body watching it happen.  I didn't put on the brakes,  I stepped on the gas to get away, He caught me when I slammed into the tree,  that's when it happened.

I wasn't paying attention then.  I am now.  It's all I can see as my body is thrown into the place I was admiring only moments before. The person I'm watching lands in the field.  I scream,  "NOOO!"  when I see pools of red paint the snow and I black out.

I feel a breeze, I feel warmth on my face, traveling from my temple to my check and back again. I hear hushed whispers and I slowly I begin to make out the words,  "shhh, it's ok,  I've got you. You're going to be alright." I'm startled and I begin kicking and wiggling to sit up.  The man pulls me close,  wrapping me in his strong arms,  protecting me.  My breathing slows. I am once again, calm and unafraid. 

When I pull away to look up at him I'm frozen.  My dark brown eyes meet his clear blue eyes and I understand completely.  "It was you.  You chased me,  you crashed into me, you broke me free from myself,  you sent me flying into a field, but you caught me didn't you?  I knew you would keep me safe." He looked down at me smiling.  Smiling!?  He kissed my forehead,  my cheek,  my earlobe.  I sighed,  and he whispered, "Baby, it was just a dream."

-Lola Fontaine © 2015