Letter To A Lost Lover

When I told you that I will gladly take the pain of letting you go right now, over the excruciating pain of hurting you later. I meant it.  When I closed my eyes and allowed my mind to rule over my heart for the briefest amount of time, I saw the potential damage my loving you could do.  I couldn't bare to live with that pain, so I said those words to show you that I was strong.  That I could be strong for the both of us. 
I was wrong. You were the strong one, you were the one that made everything okay, you were the one who calmed my fears, helped me to believe in myself.  I am not strong at all.  I am weak because when the reality of letting you go sinks in, it's a pain that brings me to my knees.  I don't know how to go back in time and change the path that brought us here,  but I want to, because I want what we had before it got all clouded up.  I had no idea it would hurt me so deeply.  I want to fix the crack in my armor that allowed you into my heart in the first place.  Then maybe I wouldn't be here, now, crying on the floor of my bathroom with the shower running to drown out the sound. 

I love passionately and there's a loyalty in me like no other.  I will show you my strength by never letting you see me cry. Even when the pain is at its worst I will find the little strength I have to be brave, for you.  I will always sing your praises and let the world know how truly great you are, because I believe it in my heart. I will forever be.
~Yours

-Lola Fontaine 2015