Your Light

When you left I never saw it coming.  I can still remember the last time I was with you. It was like any other day. I woke up to the feeling of your gentle touch on my cheek, my whispered name and your kisses on my neck.  We made love in the early hours of the morning, only this time it was slow and easy. It was still dark, I remember. So many mornings we'd be in each others arms, sweaty from sex and coming down from the intense orgasms we shared, as the morning sunlight would pour in through the window.  That day,  there was no sunlight. That day, you were saying goodbye and I never had a clue. 

I often wonder if I'll ever see the sunlight again.  I suffer every day.  I no longer wake up to your touch, your kiss,  your voice.  I wake up alone, soaked in sweat not from lovemaking but from the terror of my own nightmare repeating itself. Every. Day.  Your scent is gone from our bed.  I know this because I've searched endlessly when it started to fade.  The pain of losing that scent I grew dependent on crushed my soul. I need the feel of your arms around my body to feel warm.  I need your scent and the sound of your breathing so I don't feel so desperately alone.  It's all gone. 

The sunlight faded from the window when you left me, taking my light and my warmth.  Every sound in this house reminds me that it's empty because your energy and laughter no longer fill the rooms.  The only whispered voice I hear is my own calling your name in my dreams.  I barely sleep anymore.  I can't stand the pain of losing you over and over in my dreams; my nightmares really. I held your hand as you said goodbye.  How did you know it would be the last?  Why didn't you tell me? I would give anything to just sleep and live in my happiest of dreams with you. 

I seek out the light,  I honestly do.  I don't want to live my life with this heartache and misery. God I don't want to live like this! Today, the pain is so unbearable, the crushing ache in my heart cripples me.  Today is different because today the the light finds me.  It's coming through the window and it's so incredible bright.  The warmth soothes my aching heart so it feels as though I'm in your arms.  I revel in the feel of the light on my skin, seeping into my soul.  It's when the glow is starting to fade that I feel my ache return and like an animal I hunt for it,  crawling along the floor to feel the pleasure of it once again.  When I find it, there is peace. I breath a sigh of relief and I hear your voice whispering my name.  Tears start to fall,  "please don't leave me," I beg. My sobs drown out the sound of your voice if it ever was really there to begin with.  I'm filled with your warmth, but still I can't stop crying for you. The pain is too much, take my pain away.  Please release me of this pain.  I reach for your hand and I plead for your light. Over and over again I plead for just one more touch, taste, word, but just like on the day you left your hand slips from my grasp. I'm left alone to ache for you in darkness, while your light shines for someone else.

-Lola Fontaine 2015