Not Today

Standing at the mirror I go through the motions of blow drying my hair styling it in the way that you love.  When I'm finished I take a look, smiling, knowing you will be pleased, inside my head I hear not today babygirl. 

Applying my makeup I instinctively reach for the black eyeliner, knowing that you always loved the way the black highlighted my dark eyes, but I put it down choosing the brown instead. I apply my makeup like I always do, still in my head I hear not today babygirl.

Wrapped in my towel, standing at my dresser, I open the drawers looking down at your favorite bra and panties I sigh. I grab the hot pink set instead, a set that you never choose because you prefer me in only black or red, still in my head I hear not today babygirl.   

Like a robot I go through the motions of putting on my bra and panties, over and over in my head all I hear is not today babygirl. 

I open the closet and walk inside and immediately I look to my favorite dress, the one you love the one you asked me to wear, I sigh not today babygirl.

I walk past it and decide to choose a pair of skinny jeans and an oversized sweater instead, once again an outfit you would never choose for me.  In my head I hear not today babygirl.

I choose the boots that are comfortable, and not sexy at all.  I smile, half heartedly, remembering you telling me I looked adorable, not like the vixen you saw in me.  Not today babygirl.

I promised to be the good girl you wanted me to be and I became the Sex Goddess you saw in me.  I gave you my submission and trusted you fully.  I sigh at the thought, and hear in my head not today babygirl. 

Today I made my own decisions without a second thought.  Not wanting to make you happy because my heart is so broken, because your words are stuck in my head, once again, not today babygirl.

I thought that you'd call when I didn't get your text.  The one that you'd send to make sure I was dressed like you wanted me to be, so today I dressed for me.  

Instead of feeling strong and defiant, I feel lost an alone. Today's not the day, that you make me yours, today's not the day that I've been waiting for.  Today's not the day I let myself go.  If not today babygirl, then when?

-Lola Fontaine 2015