It was a cold grey day when I found myself getting off the train and making the long walk to my old neighborhood. It was bitter cold with the look and smell of pending snow that only added to the feeling of dread inside me. The coldness outside reflecting the coldness i had in my heart for this place. I needed to get this deal done and get out fast. Although I called it my home for far too long, I had some nice memories growing up, but it took so much from me that just being back here makes me sick to my stomach. After all this time the whole neighborhood looks the same. Apartment windows that are dirty and in many cases broken with the same dingy bricks covered in graffiti.
As much disgust I have for this place It's because of my connection here that I found the one person that sees the real me. I remember the day he walked into the pub and caught my attention. Immediately I knew that I wanted him. I could feel him watching me from across the bar. I was determined to stop hiding, take action and go after what I want, so I turned to meet his gaze. I saw a man watching me, with an amuzed quizical look on his face. It was out of defiance that I brought my eyes to his when I saw his expression. When our eyes met, his look quickly changed. I was frozen in my spot, his eyes darkened, and a small smile formed. At the time I wasn't prepared for what I felt, but it was just so overwhelming that I had to force myself to look away. I felt like he could see inside my soul. I held onto the bar and closed my eyes, just to catch my breath and figure out what was happening. I took a deep breath and felt him close behind me, his breath, on my ear as he whispered, "There's no need to be nervous, I see you. I know what you are, and I've got you love." He then wrapped his arms around me from behind, and I felt a safety and warmth like never before. I let out a sigh, and he whispered again, "relax love, I've got you." In that moment, I knew I was his. Growing up we never gave each other a second glance. He did his thing and I did mine. We traveled in the same circles though. All I could think that is was all the history we had is what brought us to right that second. I was prepared for it somehow, and completely ready to be taken care of by this man. I can't explain it but the second he met my eyes he knew, and when I looked away with this overwhelming sensation coursing through my whole body I knew I was his.
He took care of me like a dream. We got out, because it was the best way for us to be happy and for me to truly be free to be me. Although I told him everything, I couldn't tell him the one thing that eats away at my soul. Someone I feared that he wouldn't understand and he'd let me go. I couldn't be without this man, so I kept the secret of my dealings with the Gonzalez brothers. It didn't matter because we were free of this place. Or at least I thought we were free. I wasn't thinking that one day, they'd show up on our door step and reveal my secret. All of my fears came true. The man I gave myself to, whole body and soul, I trusted him in a way that allowed me to be free and at peace for the first time in so long. That feeling could have been stronger if only I allowed him to know my secret. We could have been stronger, but I didn't give us that chance. I wish I had. In the end, all of that doesn't matter now though. I'm here in this hell hole once again, and instead of being here with him, I'm here fighting for him, because even he is gone now too. This whole place destroys everything that's good, no matter how hard we fight it. Well this time, I'm going to fight, because I cannot let my mistake hurt the one I love. Once I've completed this drug deal, I'm going to kill the men that took my Master from me, then I'm going to go to him, completely free of my guilt because I destroyed those that tried to destroy me. I can only hope that when I give my full submission to Him that he accepts it for what it is. For it is my gift and my passion to be his, truly his, free of this anger inside me for this place, and these people that destroyed my life.
-Lola Fontaine 2015
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