I've been spending days sitting on the window bench you made
me, waiting, for what I don't know. This
morning I actually got out of bed, showered, and made coffee before I took my
familiar seat. Today is different
somehow. All the days I've spent here before
were spent staring blankly out the window.
Today I hug my mug a little more closely and the tears continue to
fall. Today I feel them. Today my tears make me angry because I've
cried for you long enough don't you think?
It's not like you didn't warn me.
When you told me you were damaged, I didn't run. I did just the opposite. I blindly walked into the darkness with you,
despite my own darkness that was constantly lurking, creating shadows over the
life I tried to live. I escaped the bad
stuff and started fresh. This darkness
wasn't supposed to follow me, but in a sick way I'm glad it did. It led me to you. I look at the darkness differently than you did;
I embraced it because there was beauty in that darkness. Your soul was all I
could see when we were together. I saw
inside your beautiful heart and I knew how much you loved me, even when you
weren't saying it out loud. I heard the
whispers in the night, because you were too afraid to tell me in the light of
day. Those whispers soothed me because I knew you were revealing a piece of
yourself that scared you, but you trusted me with that fear. I heard those same whispers, when you walked
away. The whispers you saved for me in the early hours of the morning; the
whispers of love, and fear, and hope.
The whispers in the dark were words I cherished the most, until the day
you left. Those whispers were
Goodbye. I chose to ignore those because
I thought to myself there is no way that he's going to let me go. Why? It didn't make sense to me then and it
certainly doesn't make sense to me now.
We had our relationship and it worked for us. I did my thing, you did yours and we
worked. I never put demands on your time
and was available when you would stroll into town. I was shocked when you begged me to move in
with you. You promised that you were taking more jobs locally and you'd be here
in town with me. In a moment of weakness
I caved and I allowed you to move me to this apartment in a neighborhood that I
have no business living in, and you built a home with me. We did that together. You let me hang crazy
as shit art in every room of this place.
We made love on every surface imaginable and even some I never knew we
could. I have a good memory in every
room in this place, but here I sit looking out the window, waiting, for you,
like I did for so many years because you continued to take those jobs that took
you away from me. I can remember when I
came home after a long day to find you already home. There you were smiling at me, with a rose in
your hand, waiting on this window seat that you built for me because I loved
the view of the public garden. That
pisses me off so much! This wonderful memory is now ruined because I'm trapped
in this spot and can't get out.
It's been months and I can't bring myself to leave this place, but for some reason I don't have to. I've been informed that the rent is paid up for the year. So it looks like you want me here for some reason. Was moving me in here some sick perverted way for you to keep me, to be assured that I would be waiting for you once again? I've spent so many years doing that already. Now this is our home and I'm stuck. I'm bound here by all the happy memories that we shared. Worse still is that I'm not living. I'm living a life where I go through the motions, and have no real excitement for it. Every day when I walk back into the apartment, I walk to that bench, looking for the single rose you would leave resting on the seat when you came home from your business trips. Each time I look and there isn't one there I sink further into the depression that's swallowing me up. My light is gone from my life and I can't do it on my own. I need the light, but I've allowed your darkness to swallow me and utterly destroy me. Now when you hurt me beyond repair, now is the time that I can't bring myself to leave. No. That's not me. It's today that this ends. I've had enough of living in darkness waiting for you to return to me. As I look out over the Public Garden I take one long deep breath, wipe the tears from my eyes with the sleeve of your shirt that I can't bring myself to take off, and rest one final rose on the pillow.
-Lola Fontaine 2015
It's been months and I can't bring myself to leave this place, but for some reason I don't have to. I've been informed that the rent is paid up for the year. So it looks like you want me here for some reason. Was moving me in here some sick perverted way for you to keep me, to be assured that I would be waiting for you once again? I've spent so many years doing that already. Now this is our home and I'm stuck. I'm bound here by all the happy memories that we shared. Worse still is that I'm not living. I'm living a life where I go through the motions, and have no real excitement for it. Every day when I walk back into the apartment, I walk to that bench, looking for the single rose you would leave resting on the seat when you came home from your business trips. Each time I look and there isn't one there I sink further into the depression that's swallowing me up. My light is gone from my life and I can't do it on my own. I need the light, but I've allowed your darkness to swallow me and utterly destroy me. Now when you hurt me beyond repair, now is the time that I can't bring myself to leave. No. That's not me. It's today that this ends. I've had enough of living in darkness waiting for you to return to me. As I look out over the Public Garden I take one long deep breath, wipe the tears from my eyes with the sleeve of your shirt that I can't bring myself to take off, and rest one final rose on the pillow.
-Lola Fontaine 2015
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