Mine

The memories of your lips on mine

Your kisses on my neck

How I just longed for you to devour me

but you said,  not yet,  just wait

You looked at me in so many ways

I was captivated by your eyes.

You looked at me with wonder

when you whispered "Good God you're   beautiful.

Then your look turned serious

the dominance in your eyes

The whispers turned intense 

all the ways you'd devour me 

when we finally fuck.

You gripped my hair and held me there

until I met your gaze

I ached to kiss you and I tried

you pulled my hair so tight

When you slowly kissed my lips

The fire inside me swelled, 

You looked right then into my eyes

And then you whispered "Mine"

I knew I could not escape 

the way you made me feel

Even though what we had 

was something kind of new

I melted straight into your arms

Your grip on my hair released

I whispered back,  "Yes Yours"

Oh my, You loooked so pleased 

Now we begin this journey

and I'm not sure where we'll go

I trust you'll keep my heart safe 

Just as you've always done

-Lola Fontaine 2015

The Sound of Your Voice

I'm pulled from sleep by the sound of your voice.  In sleep I feel you, your body pressed against mine,  arms wrapped around me,  your warmth soaking into my skin. I feel the steady rhythm of your breathing in my ear.  The sound a comfort.  It's when I start to reach for your hand to hold it in mine to feel not your warmth, but your touch, that I hear your voice in my ear.
"Good morning princess,"you whisper.  Those words seep into my soul,  and fill my heart with an ache I can't release. "Good morning" is whispered in a sigh,  that brings tears to my eyes.  I know it's not real, this feeling I have each and every morning. I still talk back,  because when I talk back I continue to hear the voice that's slowly disappearing from my memory.  I'm afraid if I don't talk back that voice will fade away completely.

I'm not ready to let go,  so I close my eyes a little tighter to focus on those words that will come next.  "You should be sleeping babygirl."  The tears freely flowing from the pain in my heart are pooling on my pillow.  "Yes, Sir, I know, but I wanted to talk to you. I miss you so terribly the pain is uncontrollable." The silent tears turn to sobs, the moaning that escapes me fills the room, is a moan of deep despair and not of pleasure like it once was.

I don't hear the sound of your voice anymore. I just hear your whispered hush,  trying to stop the crying and calm me.  Please find a way.  I miss your warmth every day. You left so suddenly. The ache I felt when I last said goodbye is nothing compared to this right now.  I wish I knew then, it would be the last time. I would have told you that I loved you, so you knew in your heart before you would leave me.  Instead I'm filled with all kinds of doubt. Did my love for you show, could you see it in my eyes?  Did you know?

"Yes,  I know" were the words I heard next.   I woke with a gasp and rolled over in bed.  You were not there.  The words were just in my head. The sound of your voice is what I long to hear. The look in your eyes and the smile on your face I beg to see just once more before I go back to sleep.  "Please,"  I whisper, when my tears start to fade.  "Soon,  baby, soon,"is what I hear once again.
Is it all a dream, the sound of your voice?  Or will you come back when I've finally let you go?

-Lola Fontaine 2015

Not Today

Standing at the mirror I go through the motions of blow drying my hair styling it in the way that you love.  When I'm finished I take a look, smiling, knowing you will be pleased, inside my head I hear not today babygirl. 

Applying my makeup I instinctively reach for the black eyeliner, knowing that you always loved the way the black highlighted my dark eyes, but I put it down choosing the brown instead. I apply my makeup like I always do, still in my head I hear not today babygirl.

Wrapped in my towel, standing at my dresser, I open the drawers looking down at your favorite bra and panties I sigh. I grab the hot pink set instead, a set that you never choose because you prefer me in only black or red, still in my head I hear not today babygirl.   

Like a robot I go through the motions of putting on my bra and panties, over and over in my head all I hear is not today babygirl. 

I open the closet and walk inside and immediately I look to my favorite dress, the one you love the one you asked me to wear, I sigh not today babygirl.

I walk past it and decide to choose a pair of skinny jeans and an oversized sweater instead, once again an outfit you would never choose for me.  In my head I hear not today babygirl.

I choose the boots that are comfortable, and not sexy at all.  I smile, half heartedly, remembering you telling me I looked adorable, not like the vixen you saw in me.  Not today babygirl.

I promised to be the good girl you wanted me to be and I became the Sex Goddess you saw in me.  I gave you my submission and trusted you fully.  I sigh at the thought, and hear in my head not today babygirl. 

Today I made my own decisions without a second thought.  Not wanting to make you happy because my heart is so broken, because your words are stuck in my head, once again, not today babygirl.

I thought that you'd call when I didn't get your text.  The one that you'd send to make sure I was dressed like you wanted me to be, so today I dressed for me.  

Instead of feeling strong and defiant, I feel lost an alone. Today's not the day, that you make me yours, today's not the day that I've been waiting for.  Today's not the day I let myself go.  If not today babygirl, then when?

-Lola Fontaine 2015