Urban Decay

It was a cold grey day when I found myself getting off the train and making the long walk to my old neighborhood. It was bitter cold with the look and smell of pending snow that only added to the feeling of dread inside me.  The coldness outside reflecting the coldness i had in my heart for this place. I needed to get this deal done and get out fast.  Although I called it my home for far too long, I had some nice memories growing up, but it took so much from me that just being back here makes me sick to my stomach. After all this time the whole neighborhood looks the same. Apartment windows that are dirty and in many cases broken with the same dingy bricks covered in graffiti. 

As much disgust I have for this place It's because of  my connection here that I found the one person that sees the real me.  I remember the day he walked into the pub and caught my attention.  Immediately I knew that I wanted him.  I could feel him watching me from across the bar.  I was determined to stop hiding, take action and go after what I want, so I turned to meet his gaze. I saw a man watching me, with an amuzed quizical look on his face.  It was out of defiance that I brought my eyes to his when I saw his expression.  When our eyes met, his look quickly changed.  I was frozen in my spot, his eyes darkened, and a small smile formed.  At the time I wasn't prepared for what I felt, but it was just so overwhelming that I had to force myself to look away.  I felt like he could see inside my soul.  I held onto the bar and closed my eyes, just  to catch my breath and figure out what was happening.  I took a deep breath and felt him close behind me, his breath, on my ear as he whispered, "There's no need to be nervous, I see you.  I know what you are, and I've got you love."  He then wrapped his arms around me from behind, and I felt a safety and warmth like never before.  I let out a sigh, and he whispered again, "relax love, I've got you."  In that moment, I knew I was his.  Growing up we never gave each other a second glance.  He did his thing and I did mine.  We traveled in the same circles though.  All I could think that is was all the history we had is what brought us to right that second. I was prepared for it somehow, and completely ready to be taken care of by this man.  I can't explain it but the second he met my eyes he knew, and when I looked away with this overwhelming sensation coursing through my whole body I knew I was his.   

He took care of me like a dream.  We got out, because it was the best way for us to be happy and for me to truly be free to be me.  Although I told him everything, I couldn't  tell him the one thing that eats away at my soul.  Someone I feared that he wouldn't understand and he'd let me go.  I couldn't be without this man, so I kept the secret of my dealings with the Gonzalez brothers.  It didn't matter because we were free of this place.  Or at least I thought we were free.  I wasn't thinking that one day, they'd show up on our door step and reveal my secret.  All of my fears came true.  The man I gave myself to, whole body and soul, I trusted him in a way that allowed me to be free and at peace for the first time in so long.  That feeling could have been stronger if only I allowed him to know my secret.  We could have been stronger, but I didn't give us that chance.  I wish I had.  In the end, all of that doesn't matter now though.  I'm here in this hell hole once again, and instead of being here with him, I'm here fighting for him, because even he is gone now too. This whole place destroys everything that's good, no matter how hard we fight it.   Well this time, I'm going to fight, because I cannot let my mistake hurt the one I love.  Once I've completed this drug deal, I'm going to kill the men that took my Master from me, then I'm going to go to him, completely free of my guilt because I destroyed those that tried to destroy me.  I can only hope that when I give my full submission to Him that he accepts it for what it is. For it is my gift and my passion to be his, truly his, free of this anger inside me for this place, and these people that destroyed my life.  

-Lola Fontaine  2015

The Rose Left Behind

I've been spending days sitting on the window bench you made me, waiting, for what I don't know.  This morning I actually got out of bed, showered, and made coffee before I took my familiar seat.  Today is different somehow.  All the days I've spent here before were spent staring blankly out the window.  Today I hug my mug a little more closely and the tears continue to fall.  Today I feel them.  Today my tears make me angry because I've cried for you long enough don't you think?  It's not like you didn't warn me.  When you told me you were damaged, I didn't run.  I did just the opposite.  I blindly walked into the darkness with you, despite my own darkness that was constantly lurking, creating shadows over the life I tried to live.  I escaped the bad stuff and started fresh.  This darkness wasn't supposed to follow me, but in a sick way I'm glad it did.  It led me to you.  I look at the darkness differently than you did; I embraced it because there was beauty in that darkness. Your soul was all I could see when we were together.  I saw inside your beautiful heart and I knew how much you loved me, even when you weren't saying it out loud.  I heard the whispers in the night, because you were too afraid to tell me in the light of day. Those whispers soothed me because I knew you were revealing a piece of yourself that scared you, but you trusted me with that fear.  I heard those same whispers, when you walked away. The whispers you saved for me in the early hours of the morning; the whispers of love, and fear, and hope.  The whispers in the dark were words I cherished the most, until the day you left.  Those whispers were Goodbye.  I chose to ignore those because I thought to myself there is no way that he's going to let me go.  Why? It didn't make sense to me then and it certainly doesn't make sense to me now.   

We had our relationship and it worked for us.  I did my thing, you did yours and we worked.  I never put demands on your time and was available when you would stroll into town.  I was shocked when you begged me to move in with you. You promised that you were taking more jobs locally and you'd be here in town with me.  In a moment of weakness I caved and I allowed you to move me to this apartment in a neighborhood that I have no business living in, and you built a home with me.  We did that together. You let me hang crazy as shit art in every room of this place.  We made love on every surface imaginable and even some I never knew we could.  I have a good memory in every room in this place, but here I sit looking out the window, waiting, for you, like I did for so many years because you continued to take those jobs that took you away from me.  I can remember when I came home after a long day to find you already home.  There you were smiling at me, with a rose in your hand, waiting on this window seat that you built for me because I loved the view of the public garden.  That pisses me off so much! This wonderful memory is now ruined because I'm trapped in this spot and can't get out.

It's been months and I can't bring myself to leave this place, but for some reason I don't have to.  I've been informed that the rent is paid up for the year.  So it looks like you want me here for some reason. Was moving me in here some sick perverted way for you to keep me, to be assured that I would be waiting for you once again?  I've spent so many years doing that already.  Now this is our home and I'm stuck.  I'm bound here by all the happy memories that we shared.  Worse still is that I'm not living.  I'm living a life where I go through the motions, and have no real excitement for it.  Every day when I walk back into the apartment, I walk to that bench, looking for the single rose you would leave resting on the seat when you came home from your business trips.  Each time I look and there isn't one there I sink further into the depression that's swallowing me up.  My light is gone from my life and I can't do it on my own.  I need the light, but I've allowed your darkness to swallow me and utterly destroy me.  Now when you hurt me beyond repair, now is the time that I can't bring myself to leave. No. That's not me.  It's today that this ends.  I've had enough of living in darkness waiting for you to return to me.  As I look out over the Public Garden I take one long deep breath, wipe the tears from my eyes with the sleeve of your shirt that I can't bring myself to take off, and rest one final rose on the pillow.

-Lola Fontaine 2015

A Reason To Feel Beautiful

The morning sun shines through the window warming my body, and pulling me from sleep. When I open them I'm drawn to the light. The day looks bright and while it's probably cold, being February, I find myself eager to get out of bed and be outside. 
I look over and find my husband is already up.  I remove the blankets,  and stretch my legs on top of the covers.  Revealing my pale strong legs,  with too full thighs, reminding myself that I should have been up earlier and at the gym. I allow my eyes to roam my body, pink satin boy shorts and a black camisole, covering womanly hips, an imperfect stomach and full breasts.  I have high self esteem in general which is an important quality for any woman and something I try to instill in my daughter. That confidence and self esteem is there loud and proud when I have clothes on, however, when I'm naked or near naked it's a totally different story.

While laying in bed I find myself getting sucked into my over critical mind, and my husband walks back into our bedroom.  I look over at him and he's smiling,  but it's not just a happy to see you smile,  it's an I find you incredibly sexy and I'm going to ravage you smile. His copper brown eyes become dark and lust filled when he walks towards me.
When he's near me,  I try to pull my legs up, and before I know it he's got my ankles and he's pulling my ankles back down again.  He slides his hands up my legs to the same hips that I was judging earlier, and whispers, "God, I love the contrast of these pink panties against your white skin" as he kisses those hips.   I smile a little when he takes those panties off my body and looks back up to me.  His look, so intense, and it totally makes me wet. He stalks up my body once more lifting my camisole off my body as he's kissing my belly on his way to my breasts that I know he loves so so much. 

Taking my nipple into his mouth he kisses and tugs on it sending pleasure through my entire body.  When he releases my nipple he grabs both of my breasts, squeezing them, and whispers, "so beautiful", before focusing his attention on my other nipple.  I know this man loves me and it feels amazing.  I lose myself in his touch, while he worships this imperfectly perfect body of mine.  There isn't a doubt in my mind the he finds me incredibly sexy, and I can feel the effect I have on him presently near my entrance.  I spread my legs wide, inviting him inside me. I know when he's felt my wet heat because he makes immediate eye contact with me.  I'm frozen looking into his gaze, because this man is looking at me like I hung the moon.  I'm so filled with love for this man. I smile at him and reach up to kiss him.  His kiss is deeply passionate and when he pulls away, he whispers, "Good Morning, Angel.  You look so beautiful when you just wake up."  With those final words, he thrusts deep inside me with one quick motion, taking my breath away.  And while my husband made love to me in the morning light of a new day, my strength and my self confidence in my own beautiful body was restored.

-Lola Fontaine 2015