Behind the Beach House

Mark brought me to the town where he grew up.  He said that I'd love it and that I could make pictures while we were here.  Watching him talk about how great the place was, was like watching a kid talk about a new toy.  I didn't have the heart to tell him that I didn't want to make quintessential seaside town photographs but I'd give it a shot.  You never know what you're going to get. Besides, I loved the ocean.  Being surrounded by water always filled me with peace.  It calmed me. The drive to CT was quick, but my stomach was in knots the whole way it seemed.  This was the first time Mark and I went away together and I was nervous.  Mark passed the time telling me little things about his childhood and all the trouble he and his brother got into when they were kids.  I loved this side of him.  He seemed to be more relaxed than he was back in Boston.   He was touching me the entire drive, holding my hand, resting his hand on my leg or brushing it absently back and forth on my thigh.  When we arrived I was asleep, Mark woke me by lightly brushing the back of his hand down the side of my face.  When I opened my eyes he was watching me with a smile on his face and whispered, "Hi, we're here.  I didn't want to wake you, you look so relaxed."  "It's ok, I can handle that kind of wake up, and it was sweet." "Well, don't start those kinds of rumors just yet.  We've only just arrived and you have no idea what I have planned for us."  I could only imagine naughty delicious things because my skin was on fire from his constant touching.  That man knew how to set me on fire.
Mark opened my door and pulled me to him and into a deep kiss.  Groaning, he pulled away and said, "I'm so glad you agreed to come here with me, come let’s get our things inside.  There's something I want to show you."  I needed a second to gain my footing from that kiss.  Standing there I could smell the sea, the salt air filling my lungs when I took a deep breath.  I released me breath with a smile on my face and peace in my heart as I followed Mark to the front door.  The closer we got the front door and the closer I got to him I could sense that he was hesitant, which wasn't like him at all.  Mark did everything with determination and confidence.  He paused to unlock the door, before doing so; he put down the bags, turned to me and placed his forehead against mine, closed his eyes and slowly brushed his forehead over mine.  He took a deep breath, kissed me, opened his eyes to mine and whispered, "Let’s go inside."  I crunched my brow in confusion, he pulled away, shaking his head, he ran his fingers across my brows, "relax love, I'm fine, don't you worry about a thing.  This weekend is going to be fun, I swear it."  I nod, "Why so hesitant Mark, it's not like you?"  "I'm just savoring the memory, that’s all."  Well, ok. "Let’s get inside and make some then."  I took the key from his hand, stepping around him in the process. As I placed the key in the lock Mark grabbed my hips, pressed me into the door, grinding his blossoming erection into my back and started to kiss my neck.  He was forceful with his body pressing into me so tightly though his kisses on my neck were light as feathers, but had the effect of a blazing fire that went straight to my core.  He licked up to my ear, and tugged on it before whispering, "Oh I can assure you love, that we will make memories you won't soon forget, and we aren't limited to making them inside either."  He placed his hand over mine; turning the lock together we entered the front door to his family vacation home.  How I had the strength to walk I have no idea.

Opening the door, my sights were immediately filled with light as the entire back of the house looked out on to the ocean and the wall was completely made up of sliding glass doors.  Some were open which provided a welcome cool sea breeze to the contrasting warmth I felt, both from the intensity of my arousal to Mark and from the sun shining into the expansive room.  I dropped my bag and started walking towards the open door onto the deck.  The sounds of waves crashing onto the shore, the gulls flying overhead, and the engines from the nearby boats filled my senses.  In the distance I could hear children laughing.  "This place is incredibly beautiful.  How do you not live here full time?"  l was in awe of it.  "It was always meant to be an escape from our life in the city.  Wouldn't you agree, doesn't it already feel like an escape?"  Sitting down on a chaise, he commanded, "Come sit with me."  I liked when he used his commanding voice.  It excited me like I never imagined such a way could.  Feeling mischievous, I crawled up onto the chaise gliding my hands over his thighs.  Just as I was about to reach for his belt, he stopped me.  "I didn't say I wanted you to touch, I said I wanted you to sit."  I couldn't help it; I pouted like a little brat, but smiled at the thought of having his arms wrapped around my body.  He spun me around, and pulled me into his lap, guiding my head back onto his shoulder, and wrapped those arms around me.  "Just relax love, you don't relax enough."  It didn't take me long to fall asleep in those arms that protect me and keep me warm.  As much as I want to savor every second he holds me, my body betrays my desires sometimes and I'm forced to sleep.

Mark must have fallen asleep as well because it was late afternoon when I woke from sleep.  I could tell he was sleeping, feeling his even breathing tickling my shoulder.  I wiggled some so that I could look up into his eyes as he slept.  I loved watching him sleep.  When I looked up at him I saw a small smile form on his lips.  In his deep sleepy voice he moaned out words that melted me, "Keep wiggling like that and I might have to take you right here; in fact I think I will." Shrieking, I quickly went to sit up, but failed.  He was much too fast for me.  Pulling me back, he cradled me in his arms and reached to kiss me.  When his mouth met mine it was with an incredibly amount of passion that took my breath away.  I was right where I wanted to me.  Nothing could take me away from this spot right here with this man.  He suddenly released the kiss, which was odd.  He was breathing hard, and I know that he wanted me as much as I wanted him, so why was he pulling away?  "I just love you so much love.  You know that don't you?"  "What?  Of course I know that."  He gently placed me down between his legs once again so my back was pressed against his chest.  While this was a nice position to be in, it's not quite where I wanted to be.  I wanted to be riding him, making love with him in this chair, but he kept pulling away.  Silently we snuggled together watching the waves crash on the shore, while he rubbed his hands gently up and down my arms.  Mark was the first to speak, without warning all he said was, “spread your legs lover." I pulled my feet up so my knees were bent and let my legs fall open.  Doing this brought my dress up around my thighs.  He brushed his hands over my thighs pulling my dress up higher until it was nearly around my waist.  "Do you feel that sea breeze on your pussy?"  I did feel the breeze and the sensation was a welcome one.  "Yes, and it's wonderful."  I knew that Mark liked that answer because I could feel the smile form on his lips as they were pressed close to me ear.  "Good, I plan on sharing this pussy with everyone here.  I want them all to see the beauty of you and be jealous that only I can sample its' offering.  His words send chills through my body.  Do I want to be exposed like this?  For this man, I'd do anything if it pleases him.  I've felt that way since the first time he touched me.

I was under his spell and I didn't ever want to be released from it.  "Soon love, but for now, I want to feel you in my arms under the warmth of the sunshine.  "Mark." I whispered, "Please baby, I need you.  I need my partner."  I know that my begging is having its effect when I sense the movement of his growing erection.  This excites me.  I arch my back sending my ass right up against the hardness of his cock.  I wiggle, urging it on.  When he groans, I know I have him right where I want him. He nuzzles his mouth into the side of me neck, and nips at my ear.  Electricity shoots through me to my core.  I reach behind me for his hard cock. Instantly I feel his straining erection through his shorts and begin stroking, pausing to open his zipper, I reach inside and continue when I feel the wet drops of pre-cum on his head. I lick my lips for now I'm hungry for my lover in my mouth. I turn to him and give him a hungry look, silently begging for him to let me suck him.  With a slight nod to his head and a sly grin, I know I've been granted permission.  The hunger in his eyes is evident despite the semi-darkness of the early morning. Quickly i straddle him, giggling with excitement, kissing his lips. He pulls my tongue into his mouth when he returns the kiss and sucks so hard, I moan when he releases me.  I'm burning with desire to take his glistening head with the sweet drops of honey on its tip into my mouth.  Looking into my eyes, he lifts my sundress over my head removing it, and exposing my full breasts, thankfully covered in a soft pink bra, but my decision not to wear panties with this dress has left me completely exposed.  A development Mark really enjoys.  His appreciation of my body sends such a thrill through me that I remove my bra, and giving him complete view of my pink hardening nipples.
"Oh, Lena, I just love looking at you like this.  Your skin is alive from my touch.  I am all yours baby."  Staring into Mark's eyes I slide my body down his rubbing my full breasts along his chest.  My nipples hardening still at the touch of his skin.  "God your breasts are so beautiful. I want to lick them, bite them.  Bring those lovely erect nipples back to me lover."  Smiling sweetly, I shake my head, "Not just yet baby."  He groans with frustration, but does nothing to stop me, "Oh Lena! You make me crazy.  I want to kiss every inch of your body. I want you so badly."  I watch his eyes, filled with lust, watching me as I trail kisses down his abdomen.  When I get closer to that erection I want in my mouth, I begin using my tongue to guide my way.   Mark groans, "The sight of your creamy white body, and the feeling of your silky soft skin fills me with such lust.  I want your body all over me always Lena."  My touch is so gentle I can feel the goose bumps forming on his skin. I’m close enough that I can feel the heat from his cock. I can't wait to have my mouth wrapped around it.

That's it! That glistening head is finally in my mouth honey so sweet crossed my lips i moan from the pleasure of finally having him in my mouth.  That Moan sending vibrations through his cock as I sink my mouth lower taking him the base.  He tips his head back in pleasure, "the feeling of your mouth is amazing."  He looks down to watch me, "God, you're beautiful, beautiful breasts, your curves, your ass, your mouth sucking me, this is so hot."  I release him from my mouth, and I cause him to groan, Smiling I lick him from his balls to the t ip of his cock, then  suck it back into my mouth, this time the groan that escapes him is one of pleasure.  I repeat my actions altering my speed and pressure, watching for his reaction to guide what I do next.  Seeing him react to my actions turns me on, I'm getting incredibly wet.  I feel his hands in my hair gripping thr roots, not pulling hard, just holding me as I give him all I have to offer.  I need him to come in my mouth, I release him and look to him, "I need you to come for me, I need a taste of you and I need to swallow it all."  "Oh baby, you are perfect.  All that I have is yours, all yours."  When I continue, I feel him grip my hair a little harder, he's gently rocking his hips, and we’re in tune with each other. "Oh Lena, it's all yours, Can you take it all baby?" My moan of confirmation is his undoing, with a quick thrust, and a tighter still pull on my hair, he releases his seed into my mouth, with a loud cry. An animalistic cry that I swear could be heard throughout the beach. The sound filled me with such pride, and stirred my own arousal like nothing I've never done before. Mark was opening me up to a whole lot of new experiences. I never thought I'd be so comfortable with my own body to allow myself to perform outside, during the day on a crowded beach. Even if we were set back from the rest of the beach-goers on our own private deck the possibility of being seen thrilled me.
The question was, where would my next experience with Mark take me?

                                         --Lola Fontaine 2014

Hard Life - a Kari Nappi Lola Fontaine collaboration

With Life and Struggle, Comes Wisdom

Look closely, Tell me what you see.
Do you believe it's there?
The hardships for you and me?

The creases and wrinkles,
Tell me what is plainly on display
The smiles and laughter,
Put away, safe, for a happier day.

Getting older, moving on.
Tell me what you can impart.
Did you have to fight?
Does your experience weigh heavy on your heart?

Wiser and cynical,
Tell me if you ever lived truly free?
Did you dare to dream?
Were you ever allowed to just BE?

Heartbroken and worn
Tell me is that your friend?
Do you share the same struggles?
Will she be there until the end?

Remembering and conveying.
Tell me what you believe is true.
Did you pass on your lessons?
Or give them to generations anew?

~Kari Nappi

My Grandmother

The death of a loved one is always hard, whether you know it’s coming or not.  When my grandmother was dying I went back to NH to see her whenever I could.  We had nice conversations about my uncles and she spoke about how she missed them.  I think I realized that she knew she was dying and wanted me to have her stories.  I cherished those stories because I only had a few memories of my Uncles.  I remember Uncle Joe’s house in Hyde Park was on a hill so big and all the cousins would lie in the grass and roll down the hill over and over.  I remember that we couldn't wait to get there because we knew Aunt Mary was up there waiting to give us candy, or that my Uncle Pete was the one who taught me to play cribbage as soon as I could add to 31.  Our family was always playing cards; it was what we did whenever we were together as a family.  So I cherished every story my grandmother had to tell.

It was always hard to leave my Grandmother and head back to Boston, but she understood that’s where I needed to be.  It made her happy to know that I was living the life I wanted and that I was making my dreams come true. On the train back to Boston, I thought a lot about my Grandmother and the memories we made together.  I never did say Goodbye to her, I only ever said, “I’ll see you next time I come home Yaya”  The unfortunate thing was there never was a next time.

It was a grey day In November and it was a perfect day to spend it in the darkroom processing film and making my working prints for class.  So with my bag packed and my headphones on, I set out to the photo department of my College to work.  I loved being there more than shooting itself sometimes.   I always felt comfortable in the dark and I've always loved the glow of the orange safe light. It was a Sunday and it was quiet and the floor only had about 3-4 students on it.  I found a groove and worked through the afternoon.  It was late when my roommate came into the darkroom looking for me.  She said, “there was a message on the machine.  Your dad is coming down to get you.”  I knew in that moment, while I was tucked away safely in darkness making pictures, my grandmother had passed away.  Liz, seeing the look on my face quickly told me, “She’s not gone Lo, it just doesn't look good.”  I met Liz my freshman year and we became great friends and we've lived together since then.  She always kept her cool in any situation.  She helped me get my things together and we left for our apartment.  When we made it to our front door, my Dad was pulling up.  He had no words, just a pained look in his eyes.  I kissed Liz goodbye and got in the car.  I cried silent tears the whole way while I prayed that we’d make it back in time to say goodbye.  I’d never seen my father like this.  He was always so strong, so in control, and so full of life.   The air in the car was thick with emotion and full of silence.  I felt such guilt over the fact that my family couldn't get to me in time. My grandmother passed away while I was on my way to NH.

That event changed me.  I watched my father crumble to the floor like a lost little boy, instead of the strong man that he was, when we entered the hospital room and learned that she was gone.  A part of me was lost that day as I looked at my grandmother and couldn't see her energy and feel her warmth the way I always had whenever she was in the room.  My sisters and I were a mess, my brothers were just as lost as my father, and I watched my mother do something I hadn't seen her do in over 10 years. My mother went to my father despite the pain he caused her, and she knelt on the floor by my father’s side, pulled him to her and just held him while he cried.

I stayed in NH in my childhood home for a week following the death of my grandmother.  It was odd to see my father in our home after so many years when I came down from my room in the morning.  I could tell that my mother wanted him gone, but I could also see that she wanted to take away his pain.  It was very surreal to see my parents connecting like I remembered from when I was a child. By the time I was ready to go back to Boston, I felt like my family was in a good place, and I was too, I felt ready.  Once back in Boston, I fell into my routine just like before only this time something was different.  I could feel a change in me.  At first I thought that it was just me mourning the death of my grandmother.  I wasn't myself, I felt like I was an observer in my own life.

I worked through the following month barely getting through finals. I couldn't go into the darkroom without having a panic attack.  I saw a therapist that I didn't connect with.  I found her to be obnoxious, and I didn't feel like she was helping me, I felt stupid sitting in her office and trying to explain to her what was going through my mind when I couldn't make sense of it myself. How could I ever properly communicate what I was feeling. Therapy wasn't for me.  It just made me feel worse.  A professor in the department heard or saw what I was going through. I never knew how she found out. I was shocked when she reached out to me.  She quietly said, "I know what you're going through. I've been there."  I'll never forget that day. It was a simple statement from someone that I wasn't close with at all, but that one statement helped me find what it was I needed to get through this depressed state I was in for far too long.  If only she reached out sooner.  Perhaps I wouldn't have pushed away the man who loved me more than anyone ever did.  He was pushing me to get my shit together, but he didn't understand my depression, so I let him go.
That experience changed me, and was the catalyst for what would be the next 2 years of self discovery, new love, another loss, and recreation.                                     

                                         --Lola Fontaine 2014

Memories are a Funny Thing

Sometimes you hear a song, or a phrase and you are instantly transported back to a time where you something important, something meaningful happened.  My very first memory was the day my little brother was born.  I was just about 4 years old when I got to hold this sleeping doll, and I asked my mother why his eyes were closed.

To this day whenever I smell fresh basil, or mint, I’m transported back to when I was a little girl helping Yaya in the garden on South Street.  Every summer when I plant my own garden of vegetables and herbs I can see her so clearly helping me to remove tomatoes off the vine.

As a mother of my own daughter I make a point to create memorable experiences with her.  Growing up we didn't have much, but we had each other, we had music and we had fun.  My mother always made everything fun.  Music filled our house back then and it fills mine today.   I can relate almost any classic rock song played on the radio to some experience with my mother doing something around the house jamming away to her music.  My mother loved to play “dance party clean up.”  She’d turn up some Creedence Clearwater Revival or something and call out “it’s time for a dance party” and she’d come into our rooms to start stripping the beds of their sheets.  Each of us whether we wanted to or not, couldn't help but join in and start to clean our rooms.  Before we knew it, our rooms were clean.  What was then a game to get us to clean our rooms and do our chores without an argument, is to this day a cherished memory.  We did what we had to do, together, laughing and listening to music.  What could be better than that?

 In 2009 I started the dance party tradition with my own little girl and she looks forward to it.  We use music to set the pace for our night time routine.  I’ll tell her, “we have time to play until the end of this song, and then we have to go brush our teeth.”  This ritual works for us and my daughter gets to enjoy her music too. 

What I remember about our house growing up was how warm it always felt.  My mother did that.  She created a space for us to feel safe and loved.  Our nights after dinner were soothing, and spent reading books.  Today my daughter rushes to get herself ready for bed so that we can have more snuggle time reading.  My girl always climbs up into my bed, gets the pillows fluffed, and is under the covers when I come into my room.  She’s ready.  She’s waiting for our special time together.  We spend this time snuggling under the covers and reading together.  She’s really become quite the little reader and she loves it.  As a reader, writer, and lover of all things books, I’m going to do everything I can to make her reading experience as enjoyable as possible.  I cherish this time with her, because I know there will be a day, sadly not far away I’m sure, where she won’t want to snuggle with her Mama.  There are many nights when we both fall asleep in my bed, heads touching and a book over us.  Some nights my husband finds us and will take her to bed.  He’s even started a little collection of photographs he’s taken of us after we've fallen asleep snuggled with books that go back to when she was a baby.  Even I haven’t seen all of the photographs, but I know that he’ll turn it into a special memory book for her someday. 

So on one particular night I wake up and I’m alone so I carry my daughter to her bed and I head back to my room.  When I pull back the covers I find my sweet girl’s ruby red slippers and an extra book that she had tucked into the bed.  Instantly, Seeing these things in my bed made me smile and reminded me of my little girl when she was 3.  That’s when she became obsessed with the Wizard of Oz and at nearly 8 it’s still her favorite.  The slippers, like many other things, will serve as a symbol for my own cherished memories.  A memory of a special ritual my daughter and I share, one that I hope she will continue with her own children someday. 

My daughter will grow up and remember our “snuggling with books” time, but what she may not remember is all the little extras I've found in my bed after she’s gone to her room. Through the years there were many things left behind and I've started a photo collection of some of them that I will put into a book for my daughter.   My goal is to give her my pictures and give her fond memories of a time that I will always treasure. Make memories, cherish them, and find a way to preserve them however you can, whether it be through words, pictures, or music. Just cherish the memories.

-Lola Fontaine 2014