I wake to the sound of the birds echo and nothing but the sounds of nature around us. Jumping from my bed, I look out onto the lake and see that you're already down at the dock fishing pole in hand. It's early and the water is as smooth as glass until the family ducks slowly make their way across, the tiny wake from their path quickly fades. I've had so many mornings like this, but today I can clearly remember one of my most favorite days with my Dad.
You sense that I'm there I can tell that you do because you turn to look at the exact spot of the deck where you know I'll be. You stand and turn "Get your suit and come down quick we need to go before the lake gets busy with the big boats." I jump up and down throw on my suite and swiftly run through the hall, flying down the stairs and quietly pass the room my little brother sleeps. I'm so excited I keep running out the door and let the screen door slam. I look up out of my dad and see he's shaking his head but there's still a smile. As I'm running across the grass my dad gets in the water; his small leap off the dock making a tiny splash. I keep running without pause running at full speed and I can see him backing up some in the water. When I get to the dock I call to him, "I'm coming fast are you sure you'll catch me?" Laughing, he says, "Yes pumpkin I'll catch you." I hear the slap of my feet on the wooden deck. Nearing the very end I leap so far and so high I feel like I'm flying until I see my dad with his arms outstretched; a look of pride on his face. I land into my dads waiting arms just before my head goes under water. I wrap my arms around his neck hug him tight and say, Thank you for catching me! He squeezes me tight and says, "I'll always catch you pumpkin." In that moment I was the happiest little girl ever.
"What are we doing now daddy?" He pointed, "You see that platform out there? It's not too far and I'll be right by your side when we swim out to it together." Eyes wide shaking my head, "Daddy no! It's too far. Are you sure?" Reaching for my hands he sets me on the end of the dock and turned to start. "I'll get started you catch me. I bet you can't catch me," and he started his crawl stroke. I am brave and I know my dad will be right by my side, but still I wait just watching him. His long body splashing water when he kicks quickly. I leap off the dock and I start to swim out to my father. I know that he's swimming at a slow pace for him so just so that I can catch up, but I still feel joy when I come up beside him, peak up at the platform ahead, thinking that it's not as far away is it looked from our house. Passing him, I look back at my dad who is just an arms length behind me and I pick up pace. Hard. I reach far with every stroke and kick my most powerful kicks until I can see the tiny ladder on the platform sinking into the water. In a few more strokes I reach the ladder, quickly climb it and jump on the top turning to see my dad just touching the ladder. I laugh with excitement when he reaches the platform and says, "Wow kiddo, you're getting fast!" I nod my head, "I know!" In my head I continue the thought ("know that you let me win.") because I didn't want him to know that I knew. I didn't want this fun to end.
"Now what, Daddy?" "Now you and I are going to get in this tube and I'm going to paddle us across the lake over to the Martin's house there," pointing. I've seen my dad do this before. I've always watched from the waters edge, and when he got too far away to see I moved out to the boat dock. It was my dads peaceful time when he just enjoyed early morning quiet on the lake. A quiet that didn't exist during the peak of summer boating season. My mother always gave him trouble when he wanted to go. She always thought the channel was too busy or it was too late in the day but dad never listened. I'll never know if he told mom what we were doing on that morning because it was never talked about after that day ever. "Really, you're going to take me with you?" "Yes! Let's go before it gets too busy." He jumped in reaching up for the tube and pulled himself up on top of it, his legs hanging off as he sat across the opening. I watched with excitement building when he reached for me pulling me off the platform. He set me across his lap resting my head on his chest. "What do I do now daddy?" "You pumpkin are just going to relax, enjoy the sights and sounds and I'm going to paddle us across."
At the time I was too young to understand just what was so peaceful about the lake. To me it was all about the playtime in the sand spending time in the boat fishing off the dock and roasting marshmallows in the fire after dinner. It was fun and play. Now as I sit out on the deck of the house that was once filled with our large, loud, happy family I listen to hear my dad call from the doc every time. The only sounds I hear are the sounds of the kids laughter from the children in the house just next door and the music from the neighbors on the other side. When we were kids these houses didn't exist. In recent years lots were sold and divided. Now we can see our neighbors and that's okay. It's just different. The sounds of the kids laughing and playing in the yard remind me of my own time playing with my brothers and sisters. It was fun just running around in our bathing suits all day going non-stop in the sun until we collapsed after our bath.
As I got older I no longer needed my dad to catch me when I jumped off the dock, but I can't say that having someone to catch me just one more time wouldn't make me feel protected just once again. Just once. To have that feeling of knowing that someone has your back and will catch me if I fall because I will fall and when I do it will be hard. For now as I sit here alone watching the wake from the boats coming into shore I think about my own lost love and how great a Grandfather he would have been to my daughter my heart breaks because I just couldn't tell him.
Through the years my dad and I had our fair share of troubles and we're estranged in the end. I never did get a chance to tell him because he died too quickly when I was too far away to get home in time to catch him before he fell asleep for the last time. It's not something that I regret it's just something that makes me sad. I was out living my life, and exploring just like I was raised to do. I know that he's in heaven and he can see my daughter just as he can see me. I will always cherish our time on the lake and those times will always be my fondest memories of my dad, Despite the sadness in the end at that time I knew without a doubt that my Dad loved me, and that he would always catch me.
-Lola Fontaine 2015
